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GOOD FORM 



MANNERS 



GOOD AND BAD, AT HOME AND IN SOCIETY 

WITH REMARKS UPON THE VALUE OF 
TACT, COURTESY, AND CONVENTIONALITY 



BY THE AUTHOR OF " CARDS : THEIR SIGNIFICANCE AND 
PROPER USES," "DINNERS," "SOCIAL ETIQUETTE 
OF NEW YORK," ETC. S* 







NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

MDCCCXC 



1> 






V NA 



Copyright, 1890, 
Bv FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 



MANNER AND MANNERS, .... 5 

MANNERS AT HOME, .... 7 

THE USES OF CONVENTIONALITY, . 13 

MANNERS IN SOCIETY 21 

ENTERTAINING, . . . . . .28 

GOOD AND BAD MANNERS IN CONVER- 
SATION, 31 

IMPERSONAL SPEECH 35 

THE VOICE 37 

GESTURE, 40 

VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP AND CERE- 
MONY, 42 

INTRODUCTIONS, 47 

FORMAL AND INFORMAL ATTIRE, . 52 

SOCIAL AMBITIONS, .... 59 



GOOD FORM 



GOOD MANNERS 



MANNER AND MANNERS. 

" The more manner the less manners," is a statement 
entitled to our consideration. A man of high breed- 
ing does not emphasize the fact that he has enjoyed 
exceptional advantages or position. On the contrary, 
he simply follows the codified laws, or usages of the 
best society, neither exceeding nor slighting them. 

Carlyle, that rebel against all littleness, spoke for 
all mankind when he said, " Good-breeding differs, 
if at all, from high breeding only as it gracefully 
remembers the rights of others, rather than gracefully 
insists upon its own rights." Of course Carlyle had 
his own countrymen and countrywomen in mind, but 
we are not wholly without class distinctions, and we 
can understand and benefit by his definition. 

Could the world have been made to believe that 
truest of all truths, that there can be no higher or 
nobler rank than that of gentleman and gentlewoman, 
this little volume would be wholly needless. Birth 
and fortune do not maka a race of u gentle-folk" 

5 



6 GOOD FORM. 

although inherited tendencies, the constant examples 
of perfect speech and manners, with the leisure for 
cultivation that money provides, have a wonderfully 
beneficial effect ; nor do scholastic acquirements of 
themselves or even genius always produce this result. 
Men and women of mediocre talents and accomplish- 
ments are agreeable, even charming, when they are 
courteous of speech, have polished manners, and are 
unselfish and considerate. 

Perfect conduct and speech are naturally expected 
of the educated — the learned. There is no gift and 
no acquirement that man or woman can have, 
that is more admired and valued than learning, or 
which carries greater weight and influence when accom- 
panied by fine breeding and elegant, or as our elders 
called them, — " courtly manners." 

A fine address opens doors that are closed to 
wealth, fame and beauty ; " the charm of sweet cour- 
tesy " keeps them ajar. " Practice is everything," 
admitted a famous courtier whose manners in public 
were perfect, although he never had any real consider- 
ation for others, as the tragedy in his family life showed 
to an astounded world. His was the unpardonable, 
and too common custom of being delicate and well- 
mannered abroad, while coarse and careless in his 
habits at home. 



MANNERS AT HOME. 

Salutations in the home circle, as well as the man- 
ner of receiving these, are as invariably cordial and 
habitual with a well-bred family as they would be if a 
guest were present, or one was entering or leaving a 
circle of new acquaintances. The practice of an inva- 
riable courtesy cultivates kindliness and produces a 
graciousness of facial expression. That need not, and 
should not be, however, a smile at all times. A habit of 
making pleasant inquiries is a great help in establish- 
ing an ease of manner, a tranquil self-forgetfulness that 
prevents timidity even when in the presence of the 
most illustrious persons. Timidity is nothing except 
self-remembrance, and self-remembrance is a subtle and 
mischievous form of selfishness. But good manners 
banish a dread of awkwardness and self-consciousness, 
and make life in society like a tune that sings in the 
memory and cannot be forgotten. The child may be 
taught fine-breeding when he learns to talk, when }ie 
studies his letters in his primer, or even \yith bis 
prayers that should include the well-being of others 
with petitions for himself. This sweet spirit of doing 

7 



8 GOOD FORM. 

as one would be done by is the foundation, and indeed 
it is the completed structure of good manners. 

To rise when an older person — a superior — an 
invalid — a stranger, or an unfortunate social equal 
enters or leaves a room or house, is a graceful com- 
pliment always and a rigorous law for men in society 
whenever social equals are gathered in a group that is 
small enough for each one to be conscious of the 
presence of all the others. A young woman, in the 
same way, should rise whenever one who is matronly 
comes in or takes leave of the family circle. This is 
also good manners in a small group in society. 

She is a selfish, underbred woman, if she be not 
unmistakably elderly, who anywhere takes the most 
comfortable, or most conspicuous seat in the room. 
If it is urged upon her, she may occupy it for a little 
while, but she should resign it quietly as soon as 
another woman enters, unless the latter is very young. 
This rule respecting easy chairs, or advantageous 
positions by the fire or the lamp, and rising when 
another one enters a family circle, is a law that does 
not apply to parents as regards their children, but is 
an exacting one for children towards their parents ; 
also with others who are their elders. Especially 
should well-bred boys relinquish the best places to 
their sisters without suggestion, a concession that 
equally well-bred girls will not forget to acknowledge 
with as fine a courtesy of speech as they would if 
their brothers were guests in the house. Brothers, 



MA NNEKS A T HOME. 9 

especially young men, who are invariably attentive 
and winning in their manner toward their sisters, 
commend themselves more to ladies by so doing, than 
by any other social grace. 

It is a beautiful custom with many polished gentle- 
men to treat their sisters and their grown daughters 
with as gallant attention, and with as delicate a man- 
ner, as they could offer to the most honored guest or 
to a hostess at entertainments. 

The effect of this charming respectfulness to a 
daughter or to a sister, is manifold. The girl has a 
fine standard of manner and character always before 
her. Her home has the elegance of high breeding, no 
matter how simple its entourage. She has also the 
best and most trustworthy of formulas by which to 
measure the gifts and graces of young men who may 
be interested in her. This devoted attention nour- 
ishes and maintains an affectionate respect, and in- 
spires confidence between a father and his child. His 
attentive manner toward her mother, who is, of course, 
always considered first, and who receives the first cour- 
tesies, becomes the exacting measure by which she 
weighs and judges the young men whom she meets, and 
through a familiarity with the finest breeding, she 
learns what and whom to avoid in society. 

It is not good manners for the gentlemen of a 
family to fail to offer seats to the ladies at table, 
whenever it is possible, or a guest has not anticipated 
whem in this courtesy. There are households in which 



10 GOOD FORM. 

the chair of the hostess of the house is placed by a 
servant, but this is not the most refined or considerate 
custom, nor is it the best lesson for growing lads. 
The politeness or duty of a servant to a mother, sister 
or guest, has not the same charm and significance as 
attentions bestowed by those who are of the family. 

A story of distress, an unpleasant allusion, a discus- 
sion of subjects upon which there are, or may be, 
serious differences of opinion, are improper topics for 
table talk. Religious beliefs and political opinions 
are never mentioned at the tables of well-bred persons 
where guests are present, nor at any time if disturbing 
beliefs are likely to be called forth. Scandal is not 
repeated in the family at any time, and except for un- 
avoidable reasons, not at all. 

The family do not take seats until the presiding 
lady is placed, except under pressure of unusual cir- 
cumstances. No one leaves the board until all are 
ready to rise, unless it is necessary, and then not until 
a request to be excused has been made to the presid- 
ing woman, after which a general pardon for breaking 
the circle is asked of those assembled on rising. [For 
table usages, see " Good Form, in Dinners."] 

It is indelicate to cough at table. One can almost 
always prevent it by a swallow of liquid, or a deter- 
mined application of will. Sneezing may be avoided 
by pressing the finger upon the upper lips, close to the 
cartilage that separates the nostrils. If it is neces- 
sary to place a finger in the mouth, this graceless 



MANNERS A T HOME. 1 1 

act is concealed by a napkin held by the other 
hand. 

It is bad manners to put any one in the family to 
inconvenience through a lack of promptness in keep- 
ing an appointment or promise, or to show discomfort 
or annoyance, if one has been the sufferer from such 
an occurrence, when it was not easily avoidable. 
The fine-fibred person suffers more keenly when he 
or she is the cause of inconvenience to another, 
than can the person whom the mistake or misfortune 
has discommoded. 

It is true courtesy to give as little pain as possible, 
but social and domestic exigencies are such that it 
cannot always be avoided. The kindly and graceful 
never forget to ask pardon for an inadvertence, a 
blunder or a mistake, no matter how trivial it is, nor 
upon how insignificant a person it fell. Even children 
suffer less hurt when an apology is made to them or 
forgiveness is asked for discommoding them. If a fine 
manner is expected of them when they are grown, it 
should be extended to them while they are still lads 
and lassies. What a child receives in youth, it seldom 
fails to return at maturity. It is high bred to bestow as 
much benefit and pleasure as one is able to command, 
and there are always the little courtesies, — les petites 
morales of daily life — within touch of each member of a 
household. Good manners in the household are like 
oil upon complicated machinery — like cushions spread 
over rough and wounding ways — but they are mare im- 



12 GOOD FORM. 

portant than anything else in their strong influence 
upon character. The result of a refined early life 
shows itself in all that a man or woman becomes. 

An orderly mind does not accompany disorderly 
conduct at home or in society. A scholar may be a 
recluse, and because he is solitary in his life he may 
not be acquainted with the ceremonies by which order- 
liness is maintained among people; but he is not 
beyond a sympathetic touch with the world when he 
ventures into it. He may be awkward but he cannot 
be coarse ; he may be ungraceful but he is not dis- 
courteous. If he could add to his acquirements a 
knowledge of the easy and polite manners of polished 
people, his talents would be less obscured to those 
who would gratefully benefit by them. "Manners 
make the man," is a proverb honored for its antiquity, 
but more for its truth. 



THE USES OF CONVENTIONALITY. 

Doubtless the best definition of conventionality in 
its true sense is indicated in Goldsmith's epigram on 
Garrick : 

"Our Garrick's a salad; for in him we see, 
Oil, vinegar, sugar and salt agree." 

Oil is essential for the smoothing of humanity's 
ways and means ; sugar is indispensable for the sweet- 
ening of bitter things; vinegar is at once a preserva- 
tive and an appetizer, and salt gives savor. Of con- 
ventionality, it may not inaptly be said, that it is the 
salt of society ; but if the salt shall have lost its savor, 
wherewithal shall it be salted ? 

Conventionality means simply a codification of the 
highest contemporary customs. It is on its face, arbi- 
trary. Many of its commands are apparently either stu- 
pid or capricious. Its most rigorous votaries are looked 
upon by the thoughtless as fashionable triflers. Those 
who defy its rules and offend against its prescriptions 
are foolishly applauded as original and self-respecting. 
But when examined carefully, the conventional codes 

13 



14 GOOD FORM. 

of every civilized country, differing as they do, in con- 
sequence of climate and other physical conditions, as 
well as religious usages and traditions, will be 
found to be a philosophical expression of the most re- 
fined social economy. 

Conventionality is the national and international 
system of personal intercourse, which enables each 
individual to get the highest good and the greatest 
pleasure out of life. Its first aim is to preserve seclu- 
sion and maintain self-respect. Its second is to effect 
a suave reciprocity, by which the simple and benign 
canon, "Do as you would be done by," is made at 
once practicable, ceremonious and safe. 

The foundation of true conventionality is gentleness. 
The world, from the time it began to think, set its seal 
upon this test of fine breeding. As religion teaches 
men how to die, conventionality teaches them how to 
live. It deals with small things as well as great. It 
is mightiest in the mighty, and it becomes kings better 
than their crowns. Etymologically it should mean 
mercy, for though Shakespeare puts the word in Por- 
tia's mouth in quite another sense, in the French, 
it retains its first significance, that of thanks for 
courtesy. 

Every people have their own etiquette. But certain 
phases of development are to be noted in the evolu- 
tions of all social codes. For example, the earliest 
salutations were a prostration of the body before the 
person for whom the mark of homage was intended. 



MANNERS A T HOME. 1 5 

In the profoundly religious East, this custom still pre- 
vails in the temples. In the courts of Oriental despot- 
ism sovereignty also claims this mark of respect, 
the ancient identification of Deity and monarch being 
thus perpetuated. As civilization came westward, 
certain abstractions ceased to be vital. In the West, 
the individual not only does not prostrate himself ab- 
solutely, but he holds himself erect, his salutation con- 
sisting of a graceful curve of but one-half the body. 
That is, the idea of personal dignity is never lost sight 
of in the West. 

Within obvious limits, conventionality is arbitrary, 
is capricious, but it is never without some reason. 
Those of its laws that seem ridiculous have outlived 
the cause for their existence, and will disappear in 
time. As soon as the artists of Japan began carica- 
turing their ancient gods, the people began to realize 
the humor of many of their myths ; and forthwith not 
only cast the effigies of the gods out of their homes, 
but smiled away social traditions and hereditary 
superstitions that had held sway for centuries. 

There must always be a certain transitoriness in 
merely social etiquette. What an Elizabeth demanded 
a Victoria would not tolerate. The gallantry shown 
to Martha Washington to-day would be a caricature of 
respect. The phraseology that Benjamin Franklin 
employed in addressing ladies of high degree would, if 
now used, be proof of an unsettled mind. But in 
every age the essence of conventionality remains un- 



1 6 GOOD FORM, 

changeable ; it is gentleness with a certain timely 
ceremony; it is only the inessentials, the incidentals 
that change. 

Conventionality exacts of every individual only what 
is due to his fellows. Whoever would be fair to those 
around him must become familiar with its require- 
ments and he must practise them invariably, except in 
cases that only prove the necessity of its exactions. 
Rebellion against conventionality may be the privilege 
of genius or the resource of irresponsibility, but genius 
has always paid a penalty of chagrin for such a course 
and irresponsibility can expect nothing but social 
ostracism which will surely be administered in good 
time. 

Conventionality stands barrier-fashion, between the 
reserved and refined, and those who have not yet fit- 
ted or adjusted themselves to the speech and manners 
of well-bred persons. If those who comprehend its use 
and significance object to its applications, it is apt to 
be because it stands between them and a coveted rec- 
ognition or association. To satisfy their pique they 
berate conventionality, and declare its spirit to be 
chilling and heartless. 

Has a law ever been enacted, whether written or un- 
written, that did not or does not oppress somebody ? 
Law makers reply, " Not one ! " 

Happily the statutes of conventionality have a far 
larger number of permissions than commands, and it 
is when they give more pain than benefits to others, 



MANNERS A T HOME. 1 7 

that gentlewomen find gracious ways and means for 
being less than strictly conventional. To use formali- 
ties without wounding others is a trustworthy testimony 
of gentle breeding. Conventionality being a law of 
kindly speech and courteous manners, it is inexorably 
unforgiving to such as disobey it. No delicate-minded 
woman will entrench herself in its strong places from 
which she may send shafts of unjust or unkind social 
discriminations. Evil speaking its codes strictly for- 
bid. It goes farther. It allows, perhaps it is not as- 
serting too much to say that conventionality com- 
mands, the honorable woman to rebuke the dishonor- 
able tongue by her manner, and if she be venerable 
enough in years, by her speech also. 

For example, a little girl long years ago entered the 
room of a grand old gentlewoman — a patrician Amer- 
ican, to ask a hurried question. She sat in an old- 
fashioned, stately chair. Against the soberly rich 
colors of its tall back, her handsome head was beauti- 
fully and appropriately framed. The soft white lace 
of her frilled cap took away none of the dignity of her 
high-bred face that remains in memory, the most re- 
vered of pictures. The gentle stir of her fine, small 
white hands did not discompose the sweet gravity of 
her posture, as her glittering knitting needles clicked 
from loop to loop of the stocking of the waiting and 
listening girl. Yet there was that in her attitude and 
deep composure that indicated much suppressed emo- 
tion. Her head was slightly bent over her work, 



1 8 GOOD FORM. 

while a chattering woman, who had intruded into what 
we children called "The presence," was relating in 
wearisome and unpleasant detail an amazing and un- 
complimentary story of a neighbor who had hitherto 
borne an honorable name. 

The little girl paused, knowing by much teaching 
that well-bred children do not interrupt the speech of 
their elders, and while thus waiting, not too pa- 
tiently, she learned one of the most impressive and 
influencing lessons of her youth. 

The tale of the eager gossip was concluded — at 
least she paused — perhaps only to take breath and go 
on again with a morsel that seemed to be sweet to her. 
The noble listener slowly folded her hands over the 
knitting and lifting her head, looked steadily and 
tranquilly into the face of her visitor. Her eyes had 
in them the light of sorrowful indignation and severe 
rebuke, when she broke her continued silence by say- 
ing with an impressive deliberation : 

" Your story sounds like a falsehood. It ought to 
be one. I shall treat it as such. Good-day and good- 
bye." 

The tale-bearer rose and paused, as if trying to un- 
derstand what was meant, and then, dazed and 
abashed, replied : " Good-day. I am sorry to have 
displeased you." 

This little event had its effect on the girl who wit- 
nessed it for years, and is related here as an illustra- 
tion of the value there may be in the uses of conven- 



i 



MANNERS A T HOME. 1 9 

tionality in speech. It may silence lips that permit 
themselves an unkind liberty, or are eagerly critical of 
the blunders of their acquaintances, and alas ! also 
those of their friends. 

Of course there is another aspect of its last valua- 
tion that even excellent women have differed about. 
A repeated conversation will make clear what this 
difference of estimates may be. One woman said to 
another in a New York drawing-room : " Will you not 
allow me to propose your name for membership in * The 
Kindly Club ? ' " 

" Pray, what is ' The Kindly Club ? ' " 

" To become a member of it a woman must 
promise never to speak in an unkind or uncomplimen- 
tary manner of another. That is all." 

"All I Indeed, I shall do nothing of the sort. It 
would be base ingratitude. The club is not progres- 
sive ; the best and highest characteristics I have 
attained are the results of uncomplimentary criticisms 
— judgments of me that in the main were fair and 
just. Through disapprovals by self-elected censors I 
learned the inferiority of my standards, and at once I 
strove to better them. No. I refuse to join 'The 
Kindly Club/ " 

All have read of men who wore hair shirts and 
peas in their shoes and suffered other voluntarily 
applied afflictions in the hope and expectation of 
attaining righteousness. They may have been wise. 
We cannot know. But to rise to higher mental, 



2o GOOD FORM. 

moral or social levels through ill-natured gossip must 
be very much more torturing to delicate-minded 
women than to wear peas in their slippers. 






MANNERS IN SOCIETY. 

Individual characteristics are powerless to change 
in any perceptible manner the key note upon which 
civilized people have pitched the harmonies of what 
is known as society. Its composition is only varied by 
the slow movement of enlightenment. Its spirit is 
not lost among the multitude, because its motif is and 
always has been good will, and only by adhering to its 
formalities can one thoroughly enjoy his surroundings, 
unless he expects to live the life of a recluse. One 
may by gifted with adaptability and fall easily and 
quickly into the most graceful and charming of the 
prescribed ways of society. Others are born into 
them and know no other modes of social intercourse. 
Others there are who seem to have been born out of 
step with society. For these many things are difficult, 
but nothing that the world demands of them is impos- 
sible of acquirement. Such persons are apt to be 
misjudged by the superficial observer, but never by 
such as have studied human nature from a high social 
point of view. 

21 



22 GOOD FORM. 

It is not insincerity, much less is it a stupid affec- 
tation, that often gives an unusual tone of voice, an 
uncommon selection of words, or a stilted, unnat- 
ural manner to certain respected persons, while they 
are addressing strangers, but an unsettled and pain- 
ful condition of mind which is pathetic and should be 
cured. One element in it is self-consciousness, with 
an eager desire to make a pleasant impression, which 
ambition is by no means unworthy of the best of men 
and women. It may also be due to an involuntary 
reserve and delicacy which makes some men diffident 
and causes them to conceal their real selves except 
from friends. 

On the other hand, it is often with the silly hope of 
appearing to be of finer fibre than is natural or 
desired, that the vain man and woman assume a 
manner which they imagine is elegant, but observant ; 
well-bred persons seldom mistake the second for the 
first class. Nor are they, if generous, without regret 
that the first class should not so train their voices and 
so perfectly acquire the habit of correct speech that 
they need never risk misrepresenting themselves when 
face to face with unfamiliar society. The last men- 
tioned persons are seldom, if ever, aware that for them, 
unfortunately, there are no kindly judgments and 
little or no pity. 

" Since you are able to conduct yourself so nearly 
like a respectable man, why do you not study the arts 
and graces of good manners, in order to practise them 



MANNERS IN SOCIE TV. 2$ 

habitually ? " inquired Emerson of a person who for a 
brief season was tolerably civil. 

Ah ! and " why not ? " may be also asked of 
the awkward, the discourteous and also of that most 
hopeless of all persons, the self-satisfied, upon whom 
company manners sit uneasily. 

It is indecorous to be obstinate in little matters of 
form. George Washington allowed no one to be 
better-mannered than himself. His civil greeting and 
demeanor to the least important man or woman was 
as polished and as kindly as to persons of the highest 
rank. The gentleman always lifts or touches his hat 
to his acquaintances, whether men or women. The 
under-bred man may possibly lift his to a woman who 
is greatly his social superior, but not to his queal and 
never to his mother, wife, sister or to another man, 
and this expression of courtesy, is so easy and so 
graceful. 

It is no longer good form to invite a young woman 
to drive, to go to any place of amusement, or indeed 
anywhere without first asking permission of her 
chaperone and then inviting both, provided the elder 
person accepts for her daughter or protegee. The 
chaperone is allowed to suggest an agreeable substitute 
for herself if she is engaged or is disinclined to be of 
service to the young people. 

This recent innovation in American etiquette has 
been the most disagreeable of any social rule that has 
been adopted from foreign usages. Its wisdom is rec- 



24 GOOD FORM. 

ognized by those who suffer most by its exactions, 
the chaperones of society. These women are the real 
martyrs, living over again, as they must, a life with 
which they were long ago satiated, smiling in the face 
of all the world, pretending to enjoy plays which their 
intellects have outgrown, and deafening their ears to 
the chatter of the young people, which under the most 
favorable circumstances must grow tedious often. 
Oh, the poor chaperone ! It is the worst possible 
manners not to be gratefully attentive to her. It is 
also unrefined and indeed it would be selfish on her 
part, if she insisted upon attentions that were needless, 
or compelled the conversation of her charges to drift 
into currents that interested herself more than it could 
more youthful persons. 

To be amiable and discreet, and to manage her 
charges in a manner to give them the most satisfaction 
at the moment, and also in memory, and to use as much 
courtesy and as little candor as is consistent with her 
duty, completes the chaperoned social mission. To 
earn for herself no greater aversion than is included in a 
general condemnation of her office is all she can hope 
for in this generation. The next cycle will know no 
other than the duenna and will be more just. Since 
the Atlantic Ocean has become only a short ferry, and 
social interchanges and family connections across it 
have become so common, we cannot afford to allow 
foreigners to suspect that our young women are not as 
tenderly prized and as perfectly protected as their own, 



MANNERS IN SOCIE TY. 2 5 

and quite beyond the slightest danger of being held in 
disrespect. It was our relation to foreign society that 
compelled the introduction of chaperones and not be- 
cause there was doubt of the honor of the American 
gentleman or the ability of a young American gentle- 
woman to take perfect care of herself. 

It is bad form not to lift the hat when passing women 
in hotel halls, or when entering hotel parlors or waiting 
rooms where there are women ; as an acceptance of 
thanks for assistance, or any courtesy that a stranger 
may offer ; also in response to salutations made to 
those with whom a man is walking or in whose com- 
pany he is ; or at any place or time at which custom 
makes this easy mark of gentlemanliness and civility 
appropriate. To raise the hat when passing wherever 
the dead are being carried out is obligatory. It is an 
impulse with men of quick sympathies, and those who 
have little regard for the griefs of others will assume 
at least an outward manner of tenderness for suffering 
humanity. A man who fails in this mark of sympathy 
must be hard hearted, or very unpolished in manner. 

Frenchmen in their own country uncover their heads 
while funerals are passing, and perhaps this is none 
too marked an expression of compassion, but such an 
extreme expression of respect is not expected in this 
country in the streets. 

When a friend passes away, of course a note of con- 
dolence is written to the person most bereaved, and 
cards are left for other near relatives. This is done 



26 GOOD FORM. 

at once, and no response is anticipated, although, if 
the letter included inquiries, its recipients or another 
member of the household may answer. If no reply is 
returned, consideration for the sorrowing pardons the 
omission, and the silence of distressed persons is never 
considered bad form. 

When a man resigns his seat to a woman, it is very 
bad manners if her escort also seats himself, while the 
person who was generous, or perhaps only self-respect- 
ing, is still standing. It is a lack of delicacy or fine 
breeding, or both, if the woman who has gained a seat 
by another's kindness does not thank him by words or 
by a bow, even though her attendant has done the 
same. We do not mean to say that such is the cus- 
tom of New York women, but it should be. 

No man, if he be not aged or an invalid, occupies a 
seat while any guest, matron, or even a young woman, 
is standing at a private reception. Of course, in pub- 
lic conveyances it is more chivalric, but it is not oblig- 
atory upon men to rise and give their places to women 
who are not elderly, nor noticeably feeble in health, 
nor have infants in their arms. The young and strong 
woman has no right to expect such kindnesses from 
men worn out by a hard day's work. Men have claims 
to as much comfort as they have paid for. 

At nightfall, it is especially cruel, and indeed it is 
vulgar, for a woman who, being out because it suits 
her pleasure, gazes at tired men with an expression that 
says, " If you were gentlemen, you would rise at once." 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY. 2J 

There is a sort of woman whose eyes and manner 
inform such as fail to discommode themselves in her 
interest, that she looks upon them as brutes. Such a 
woman would unsettle, if any one could, the respect 
felt for womanliness. Happily nothing wears out the 
true man's inbred refinement of feeling, or lowers 
his standards of manliness. The duty he owes to him- 
self and to society is always a respected obligation. 

Then there are women who decline offers of seats, 
feeling sure that they are themselves less wearied than 
courteous men who rise for them. Men are some- 
times offended if their offers of their seats are politely 
declined. Such resentment is without justification. 
No woman declines a courtesy as a courtesy. She is 
often aware that a sacrifice is offered to her, but being 
strong she is unwilling to accept a needless convenience 
at the cost of another's discomfort. Her delicacy 
should be respected. A woman of good perception 
sees or knows instinctively whether she will give more 
pain than satisfaction by declining a man's offer of his 
seat. 



ENTERTAINING. 

The ostensible purpose of party giving is to provide 
pleasure for one's acquaintances, and to make any 
person uncomfortable, when avoidable, is bad manners. 
A crush of guests, therefore, is very bad manners. 
The best society resents a crush. It is foolish, in- 
deed it is underbred, to invite a larger number of 
persons to be one's guests than can possibly be enter- 
tained properly. A lavish supply of wines and a costly 
supper do not compensate visitors for bad air and be- 
ing compelled to stand for hours in a crowd, and this 
too for no reason in particular, except the fact of being 
upon the hostess's visiting list. A munificent feast 
fails to restore wasted energies, or tranquillize nerves 
that have been irritated by the annoyances of a crush, 
that cannot, in truth, be called good society, because 
such gatherings lack an essential elegance, without 
which social life is neither useful nor agreeable. 

A clever man styled a crush " Human Herding." 
He did not mean to be discourteous to a host who 
suspected that he was not enjoying himself in his 
crowded house while clinging to a door ; he only in- 

28 



ENTERTAINING, 29 

tended to be descriptive, and he was. He was not 
that cynical person who said : 

"Afternoon crushes with tea and wafers are the 
least expensive of all gatherings that have been de- 
vised for making a crowd miserable. " 

While enduring the miseries of a stand-up crush, he 
formulated, quite involuntarily, for he was not by 
impulse a reformer, an angry, or at least resentful epi- 
gram, that stands in many memories a forcible, cor- 
recting element. It is a stinging protest against the 
cruel, bad form of a class of entertainers that are hap- 
pily on the wane. 

Society means conversation — an interchange of ac- 
cumulated and digested, and perhaps undigested, in- 
formation. Of course, rational conversation at a crush 
is an impossibility. But as has been said, this custom 
happily is falling into disuse in the best society, drop- 
ping away with other bad manners. The woman who 
really entertains, limits the number of her guests to the 
room she has for them, always remembering that wit, 
humor, brilliancy, and even amiability, are not evoked 
in confined spaces. Ill-humor and general silliness 
thrive vigorously wherever guests find themselves sub- 
jected to annoying, personal discomfort. 

Interchanges of speech in a crowded drawing-room 
cannot be dignified by the name of conversation. 

A recent brilliant writer, upon the art of conversa- 
tion, divides it into trivial and personal, which he says 
is characteristic of bad air and controversial brilliancy, 



30 GOOD FORM. 

which is at its best in groups that are so small that 
each guest may take part in it as either talkers or 
listeners. 

Interchange of thoughts is or may be the most charm- 
ing, as it is the chief element in social gatherings, 
and this pleasure is wholly impossible in crowded draw- 
ing-rooms. There are persons who do not dance, others 
do not care for games in which skill is essential, and 
still others who cannot learn to talk well. Alas ! there 
are some most worthy persons, also, who are able to 
do none of these things ; but they can be gracious in 
manner, and also considerately appreciative and com- 
mendatory of the gifts or attainments of others, and 
above all, they may be the most inspiring or attentive 
of listeners. 

No one is able to set a standard for social accepta- 
bility, after having drawn the moral line, and also that 
essentially strict one of good manners-— but perhaps 
good manners is morality. Such as conform to the 
demands of etiquette certainly have kindly hearts, are 
truthful, respect and practise proper courtesies, and 
are surely able to give and to receive pleasure in 
society. If they neither gain nor provide the highest 
there may be in life, they are far from being ciphers in 
its best elements. A little mental energy might en- 
large, in a wonderful degree, their faculties and talents 
for giving and receiving. 



GOOD AND BAD MANNERS IN CONVERSA- 
TION. 

Unfortunately, it is sometimes the man " who don't 
know that he don't know," who is most insistent upon 
being listened to. This fault is not confined to men, 
however. It is the ignorant who are inhospitable to 
another's opinions. Entertaining alien views long 
enough to judge them fairly is not adopting them, any 
more than it is including a person in one's family to 
ask him to dinner. The scoffer at any seriously formu- 
lated judgment shows bad manners. Equally bad are 
the manners of the endless talker, who, when he seems 
to have reached a place where a period ought to be 
placed, begins to talk louder and faster if any one tries 
to interrupt him. Another bad mannered person is 
the one who boldly or baldly contradicts. Dissent is 
allowable if cautiously expressed, but denial or con- 
tempt is bad form. Those who differ from each other 
in opinions, are in very bad form if they cannot meet 
in society and find harmonious topics upon which to 
speak to each other. 

There is a kind of woman who is the petroleuse of 

3i 



32 GOOD FORM, 

society — she corresponds to the social anarchist — and 
who throws bombs of dissension into illy assorted 
groups, for the pleasure of listening and gloating over 
their dissensions. Such persons as cannot be peace- 
ably inclined are not welcome in good society. They 
are justly shunned whenever they slip into it through 
an unguarded portal. There must be differences of 
opinion, and one conviction is as much entitled to 
kindly treatment as another, each person reserving to 
himself the right to preserve his own, but not to set it 
up in an antagonistic spirit, while at social gatherings. 
Those persons w r ho are able to be patient and sweet, 
and long suffering, under the infliction of the bore who 
is astride an uninteresting hobby, — a talking specialist 
who has not been invited to explain his views, a 
woman with the only baby she was ever interested in, 
the story teller who wishes to be conscientiously exact 
about the day and hour of an insignificant occurrence, 
and is running on and on, while an alluring talker is 
within speaking distance, should inherit the earth, also 
the heavens, for they are earning both. Such disa- 
greeable persons are grievous blots upon the best soci- 
ety, and they cannot be excluded often, because they 
are set in the midst of charming family circles, whose 
feelings must not be wounded by a slight to any of their 
members. In their cases, however, perhaps because 
accustomed to such prattle at the fireside, patience has 
become habitual, and therefore easier to practise than 
the unfamiliar find it. 



GOOD AND BAD MANNERS IN CONVERSATION 33 

It is unfortunate that moral worth should so often 
be attended by talents for being stupid. Fastidious 
tastes and gifted minds have much to discipline them, 
even in the most exclusive circles, because women and 
men, greatly their intellectual inferiors, are often 
thrust upon them in a way that cannot be avoided. 
Society has no courteous method for relieving itself of 
its barnacles ; would that it had ! but he and she who 
are most beautiful in manner, accept their share of 
these social ills with a smile of toleration. Theirs is 
the flower of good breeding. 

To converse is to interchange thoughts. To talk is, 
as a rule, to give opinions and experiences without ex- 
pecting, much less desiring, to know anything about 
those of another. Talkers are to be avoided. 

It is said that since general introductions have be- 
come less common in society, conversation has lan- 
guished. This need not be true. Indeed, it is not 
true of those who are familiar with the best usages in 
cultivated circles. As was said in another chapter, a 
mutual acceptance of a common hospitality is an intro- 
duction limited only to the hours spent together under 
the same roof. The names of the different guests are 
unimportant. 

Those who do not talk together at receptions may 
miss a golden opportunity that can never occur again, 
and besides it is discourteous to be silent and appar- 
ently uninterested in any guest one has voluntarily 
met. Beyond the pleasure of talking incognito^ as it 
3 



34 GOOD FORM. 

were, and the satisfaction of aiding a hostess in mak- 
ing the evening delightfully social, it is an occasion 
when personalities are impossible themes. The un- 
known can neither speak of themselves, nor of another, 
unless it be a public character, but there are endless 
subjects that are deeply interesting to cultivated people, 
and timely topics that may be discussed entertainingly. 
It is between strangers, who are wholly uninfluenced 
by a knowledge of each other's social affairs, that the 
truth is often most highly developed. 

When society becomes adjusted to higher breeding, 
conversation between unknown persons, who meet at 
the bidding of a common friend, will be universal 
here, as it is, and for many a year has been, in the 
highest circles of France. Individuals will then be 
able to choose each for himself and herself whom they 
will know afterward — if both are agreed — and it will 
be a distinct gain for society. 

Among people known to each other, thoughtfulness 
in selecting subjects for conversation that have no 
pain in them for others, is not as widely recognized a 
virtue as it should be. Of course, a guest cannot 
always know the fads and follies, the sweet and bitter, 
of those with whom he finds himself a comparative 
stranger. Therefore it is bad form for him to lead in 
a discussion, or to introduce any topic, such initiative 
being the duty of the hostess or host, if it be not left 
to one who knows the group, at least in a general 
way. 



IMPERSONAL SPEECH. 

To speak with blame of any acquaintance is bad 
form in society, as it is in the worst possible taste to 
criticise ill-naturedly our political rulers. We may ob- 
ject to giving an important office to one whom we can- 
not respect, but after the voice of the people has set 
him above us, good manners command us to be 
silent. "Thou shalt speak no evil of the rulers of 
thy people" is one of the earliest of statutes. To 
obey is to set an example of regard for the highest 
authority we know, and of veneration for those pre- 
cepts, which, when obeyed, produce harmony at home 
and in society. Social conditions and aspirations, 
political and religious economics, literature and liter- 
ary men, music and musicians, art and artists, mech- 
anism and mechanics, science and scientists — indeed, 
almost everything interesting is within the limits of 
fitting conversation. We should not discuss, how- 
ever, the private affairs of mutual acquaintances, un- 
less it is done in a brief and casual manner, to applaud 
or to rejoice over them. Nothing is so lowering to 
social and individual tone as critical gossip as to 

35. 



36 



GOOD FORM. 



personal and small affairs, and nothing so clearly and 
quickly reveals the grade of another's breeding to one 
who has been educated to feel a proper dislike and 
contempt for talk of this nature. 



THE VOICE. 

A close observer wrote long ago that a sweet con- 
versational voice testified to a strain of good blood in 
the speaker's ancestry, no matter how squalid his own 
birth may have been. 

This may have been true when it was written, but it 
is doubtful if any voice is so disagreeable in this era 
that it cannot be trained to sweetness or at least to an 
agreeable tone and modulation, unless disease or age 
has ruined the vocal organs. 

In educated circles, a harsh voice is not so uncom- 
mon as it is a needless blemish. Correct pronuncia- 
tion, and alas ! correct modulation, too, are not always 
among the charms of the learned, but they surely 
are characteristic of the well bred. 

An agreeable speaking voice, and a correct articula- 
tion and pronunciation are among the early acquired 
graces of well born and carefully trained children. 
Whining, nasal and thin, high-pitched voices are phys- 
ical misfortunes to which medical, hygenic, and gym- 
nastic remedies are now skilfully, and satisfactorily 
applied. " It was not so much what she said as how 

37 



38 GOOD FORM. 

she said it, that told me she was a gentlewoman, " 
explained Washington Irving, when describing his 
first interview with one who afterward remained his 
grateful friend and admirer. 

Loud voices are offensive when volume of sound 
is not required, also thin voices, when a chest tone 
would enrich speech; and nasal voices, when 
strengthening the vocal chords by persistently breath- 
ing through the nostrils instead of the mouth, would 
correct these evidences of an early indifference to 
refined standards of speech. Uncultured voices, even 
when natural sweetness has been denied, are now so 
needless that it is bad form to possess them. Espe- 
cially is a low, pleasant voice with perfect intonations 
and articulations a recommendation to good society. 
An uncontrolled voice is a brutal offence and wholly 
unpardonable. 

There was a time when profanity was neither inele- 
gant nor especially sinful, and he who could pro- 
nounce oaths with what was then considered elegance 
and facility, or had a gift of originality in epithets and 
exclamations, was admired by his fellows. Even some 
women of rank were said to cultivate the art. This 
phase of coarseness existed in society a century or so 
ago. The most that has. been written or said in its 
favor within the last score of years is: "There is no 
elegance in profanity, but it does lend emphasis to a 
sentence. " We have reached that grade of refine- 
ment, however, when emphasis is not agreeable; the 



THE VOICE, 39 

truth, tranquilly told, impresses its hearers more pro- 
foundly than when it is spoken boisterously and with 
an accentuation that is more a matter of temperament 
or disturbed nerve centres than of intellectual fervor. 

Profanity has become intolerable. Indeed, it is 
never used by refined persons, or by those who claim 
a place, or even a recognition in good society. 

Slang is epigrammatic. Sometimes it is picturesque 
or very droll, but like a stranger, who brings no 
proper or trustworthy introduction, it is not welcomed 
in refined circles, and gains no place in pure English 
until it has a printed definition in a respected lexicon, 
after which courageous persons introduce it into com- 
mon use. The stranger also receives recognition, 
after he has been certified. 

Fastidious tastes are offended with slang; therefore 
as long as a word has not the stamp of scholarly 
approval, it is bad form to be familiar with it in 
society. If it is used at home, it will unexpectedly 
appear in public to the chagrin of its forgetful custo- 
dians. 



GESTURE. 

•v. 

Composure is good form. Tranquillity is self-mas- 
tery, and therefore a part of culture or breeding. An 
active use of the hands while talking is unpleasant to 
everyone but the speaker, who as a rule appears to 
find much gratification in an exercise that belongs by 
approval to the orator or the actor. 

In the days of political intolerance in France, where 
the opinions of men and women were in danger of 
leading them to the guillotine, gesticulation was used 
to take the place of speech, or rather to conceal an 
utterance. No one could testify in court to the mean- 
ing of a gesture, although its significance was seldom 
misunderstood. Of the remnants of this mode of com- 
munication, the shrug, the most offensive of gestures, 
remains in use by thoughtless, or vicious persons. It 
is, however, in the worst possible form. It may be 
made to signify or to suggest anything. 

A shrug is not unlike an anonymous letter of de- 
traction, or accusation, which the author is too cow- 
ardly to father openly. The shrug may mean 
contempt, open contradiction, or anything and every- 

40 



GESTURE, 41 

thing that is unpleasant and likely to be unjust, but 
in any event so uncandid an accusation must be looked 
upon with suspicion. No one shrugs his shoulders to 
convey a good impression. 

Shrugs have no place among refined personal habits 
or elegant social customs. Nor can we welcome it 
among the many charming French usages that have 
been added to our social customs and personal graces. 



VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP AND CEREMONY. 

Young married, and unmarried men call upon the 
women of the visiting circles of their families at least 
once a year, even when they have no party visits of 
ceremony to live up to, the latter being imperative 
social duties, in addition to annual calls. Older men 
who have wives or daughters are allowed to delegate 
this service to them. 

Young men who wish to be included in a season's 
round of dances, dinners and receptions, cannot 
expect to be asked unless their cards, with their 
addresses upon them, are left upon their friends and 
acquaintances early in the season. (See " Good 
Form in Cards.") 

They may or may not be received thus early, but 
calls of inquiry are expeeted. Ladies who are not 
at home to visitors until after a general reception, or at 
least not until they have sent out at-home cards, are 
allowed by custom to deny themselves to all casual 
callers. When they do admit a visitor at so early a 
time, it is a mark of especial courtesy. 

Young women who have been in society two sea- 

42 



VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP AND CEREMONY. 43 

sons, also young matrons, may make ceremonious 
calls, and pay visits for their elders during the early 
part of a social season, except when a stranger in 
town is to be given a dinner, in which case no one less 
important than the hostess herself — unless she is an 
invalid — can properly perform this courtesy. 

The man caller leaves his overcoat, umbrella and 
overshoes in the hall, etiquette allowing him if he 
chooses to carry his hat and cane into the drawing- 
room, when his visit is made by daylight, unless it is 
during a special afternoon reception when he should 
leave them in the dressing-room. He may hold his hat 
and cane in one hand or deposit them beside his chair 
during a visit. If his call is to be very brief, he is 
sure to retain them in his hand while he remains in 
the drawing-room, and he need not be seated if he 
prefers to stand. It goes without saying that no man 
who is a gentleman, or hopes to be considered one, 
will sit while any woman is standing in a drawing- 
room unless he is an invalid or is aged. 

For a man to maintain an easy and elegant stand- 
ing posture is to have acquired an unconsciousness of 
self while in society, and at the same time to be able 
to express an appreciation of the honor and the pleas- 
ure of being included in the favored circle which his 
hostess adorns. His deferential manner, rather than 
explicit language, conveys thus much respect for her, 
and incidentally of course for his fellow guests. Less 
than an implied respect would be ungallant. If such 



44 GOOD FORM. 

expression is insincere, all the worse for his own char- 
acter, because sincerity only should prompt a man or 
woman to make voluntary visits, there being sometimes 
involuntary ones of ceremony after an extended and 
unaccepted hospitality. 

It is a dull, indeed stupid hostess, or one who has 
learned little of the world in which she is trying to 
take part, if she does not distinguish between an 
empty compliment and genuine respect. 

A hostess receives young men, who come in during 
an ordinary afternoon at home, without rising from 
her chair. She rises to greet elderly men. As a rule 
she does not offer her hand to men callers, and of 
course they cannot claim this privilege. If she is 
thoughtful and kindly, however, she extends her hand 
to such men as have passed that age when modernizing 
social customs is easy for them. 

Young women of course rise to greet those men and 
women who are unmistakably their seniors, but the 
same respectful attitude is not taken when greeting 
young men visitors. Hand-shaking as a rule is in 
disuse, having drifted away from society along with 
many others burdensome customs. 

Gloves of visitors are not removed during calls by 
day or evening. At ordinary " at-homes," it is 
optional with the hostess to wear or not to wear 
gloves, good form having set no mark of approval or 
disapproval upon their use at unceremonious recep- 
tions. At formal at-homes or afternoon teas, they 



VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP AND CEREMONY. 45 

are always worn except by such as sit by the tea 
urn. 

The young man, who hopes to be of service to his 
hostess by carrying a cup of tea to a guest or return- 
ing an empty one, does not bring an interfering hat into 
her dining-room, when calling, but he still wears 
gloves. He need not know the persons to whom he 
conveys his hostess's simple hospitality, but he may, 
and should address them. 

Unless he is thus occupied, he may leave at the 
entrance of other guests, bowing to his hostess first, 
and then to each one of her family, and last to the 
guests in general, provided the circle is not a large 
one or too widely distributed in the room for this 
civility to be recognized. If his hostess maintains the 
old, cordial fashion of hand-shaking and he has thus 
greeted herself and daughters on entering, he need not 
expect this on going out, nor is it good form that any 
one should attend him to the door of the receiving room. 
The formal custom of bidding or pressing guests 
to call again whether man or woman, is now in disuse. 
It is understood that calls are expected after one invita- 
tion or permission, either verbal or by card, has been 
given. 

Calls should not be extended beyond fifteen minutes 
unless the guest is assisting with the tea. In a 
crowded room a briefer call is advisable. All that is 
appropriate may be asked and said in a quarter of an 
hour, daytime visits being allowed or demanded only 



46 GOOD FORM. 

for the sake of kindly inquiry, congratulation or con- 
dolence for the family and the same with other guests 
quite incidentally. Calls are not suitable occasions for 
an interchange of grave or carefully formulated opin- 
ions, which, when broken up into casual sentences, are 
too often dignified by the name of conversations. 

To be funny, or satirical, or personal or pedantic, 
while making brief afternoon visits, is in very bad 
taste, because it is pretentious and egotistical. The 
funny or droll man in society is not the elegant gentle- 
man. The man who attempts to be facetious at such 
times misses an opportunity for being appreciatively 
or duly admired, and is in as bad form as if a dress 
suit had been worn when only a morning coat or 
walking costume was admissible. 

Dinner tables and conversationes are the places for 
wit, humor and brilliant talks, and general bonhomie 
between guests. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 

Guests are not introduced to each other in a formal 
manner unless there is a special reason for making 
them acquainted with each other. At a party, also at 
many houses during an ordinary afternoon at home, 
the servant who is waiting in the hall announces each 
guest by name as he or she enters the drawing-room. 
At the latter, especially if the group gathered is not 
large, the talk is often general and he or she who 
does not take part in it is considered unamiable, unin- 
telligent, or unfamiliar with the rules of modern good 
form. 

A common acquaintance of the hostess is consid- 
ered to have had " a roof " introduction and that is 
limited only by the length of the occasion which 
brought her guests together. An after acquaintance 
is not expected by her. If she is well bred, she grace- 
fully includes, in her conversation, the names of 
those who take part in whatever subject is men- 
tioned. 

Women sometimes make delightful acquaintance 
with each other by " natural selection," and so also do 

47 



48 GOOD FORM. 

men, but not men with women, although they may 
talk together while calling upon a mutual friend. 

The hostess does not, or need not, hold herself 
responsible for the likings and mislikings of her guests, 
or their continuance or discontinuance of such momen- 
tary acquaintance. She evades this by avoiding intro- 
ductions, but she does afford her circle the most 
charming opportunities for establishing pleasant asso- 
ciations. Well-bred persons know how to continue an 
acquaintance thus casually commenced, provided there 
is a mutual liking. 

These customs are perhaps hardly fair to the man. 
Of course he may speak to those who happen to 
be near him, which speaking by the way does not 
establish the slightest claim to future recognitions. 
His hostess may perhaps present him to a friend, 
but he has no right to ask it, nor to feel neglected, 
much less hurt, if it is not done. If his hostess 
introduces him, he may reasonably anticipate a 
continued permission to address his newly made 
acquaintance, but she is the one to first acknowledge 
the acquaintance by a bow or smile. In large circles 
one bow often obliterates the memory of another, 
while the personality may be pleasantly remem- 
bered. 

" It is your face I have failed to recall, not your- 
self," explained a beautiful gentlewoman to a young 
man, who was a second time presented to her by a 
friend, after the poor fellow had suffered not a little by 



i! 



INTRODUCTIONS, 49 

a self-afflicted belief that he was intentionally over- 
looked. 

The young woman to whom a man may, possibly, 
have been introduced by his hostess has the right to 
allow the acquaintance to go no further than the room 
in which it occurred, but this is not at all the likely 
result of a presentation that could not, or would not 
have been made without the young woman's consent. 
At the next meeting it is her right, and hers only, to 
bow a recognition, which, of course, the man acknowl- 
edges. If this bow greets him upon the street he can 
only lift his hat and respond. If it is given to him in 
society, and the young woman is not occupied by the 
attentions of another person, he may approach and 
speak to her ; also with her chaperone's consent ask her 
to dance with him. If the acquaintance appears to be 
mutually agreeable, he may ask the chaperone to be 
allowed the honor of calling at the door to make 
inquiries after their healths at an early day. She may 
permit this or she may invite him to call on one of 
her regular receiving days. More than this, time 
develops, or the acquaintance dies for want of interest 
in one or both. 

If he calls, he must ask for her mother, or who- 
ever is her chaperone first, and then the young woman, 
placing the elder woman's name first. This is re- 
spectful courtesy. 

When a reception is given for an individual, of 
course all guests are presented in due form, but phe- 
4 



50 GOOD FORM, 

nomenal is the man or woman who is able to remem- 
ber and recognize afterwards each individual with 
whom speech has been exchanged. 

When introductions take place at other than formal 
receptions, the man is introduced or presented to the 
woman, unless she is young and he old, or distin- 
guished, when she is introduced or presented to him. 
Women and men of corresponding ages and social 
positions are introduced to each other. Between 
equals it is good form to say, " Mrs. B., I should like 
you and Mrs. C. to know each other," or, " Permit me 
to make two agreeable persons acquainted," or any 
other mode of speech is used that does not distinguish 
one above the other. The same ceremonial is good 
form between men, but between men and women and 
between young women and distinguished or elderly 
persons, whether men or women, it is good manners to 
say to the' most important of the two individuals for 
example : " Mr. Washington, allow me to present Mrs. 
Rust," (or Miss or Mr. Rust). If Mrs. Washington 
extends her hand, Mrs. Rust takes it, but the latter 
cannot make any advances to the distinguished or 
elderly stranger. 

If it is a formal reception, for those who are pre- 
sented — and all guests are — only a greeting, and per- 
haps the interchange of a sentence or two is possible. 
If the introduction to a Mrs. Washington takes place 
at an unceremonious party, her distinguished social 
position or personal attainments give her the right to 






IN TROD UCTIONS. 5 I 

open the conversation, but not the person presented. 
She has also the privilege of terminating an interview 
when she chooses to talk with another, or be silent. 
If she is accustomed to the graceful ways that prevail 
in good society, she does this in so gracious a man- 
ner that it is a captious person who is offended. No 
one is capable of being interested in all the world, 
much less of liking each person he or she meets. It 
is not a fault, although it may sometimes be a misfor- 
tune, that certain persons whom we would like to know 
feel little or no interest in us. Life would be an intol- 
erable burden if we really made the acquaintance of 
every one whose manners or personality attracted us. 
A liberty to retain, as friends, such as are wholly sym- 
pathetic to us, according to our individual standards 
and tastes, is the charm of social liberty. 



FORMAL AND INFORMAL ATTIRE. 

A woman who is acquainted with the requirements 
of good society in matters pertaining to the toilet, 
respects its canons. To be eccentric in dress, or even 
to be unusual, is impossible to her, as it would be, of 
course painful, if she has delicate sensibilities. The 
usual is the appropriate, also the most attractive at 
the time of its popularity. Properly clothed men and 
women are at their ease in any society. If a well- 
bred woman finds herself overdressed she is more 
uncomfortable than if too simply attired. 

If the fact that she is overdressed is because she 
failed to recognize the informality of a social event, 
she is much more miserable than if her toilet had 
been less stately than the dignity of the occasion sug- 
gested. By her blunder, she has announced her unfa- 
miliarity with prevailing usages. 

By the well-bred woman is not meant the exces- 
sively vain one who never suspects herself of being too 
fine for any occasion. A man, unless he is a dandy 
or fop, never exceeds propriety in his attire or at- 
tempts very much ornamentation at any time unless 

52 






FORMAL AND INFORMAL ATTIRE. 53 

he is a foreign diplomat, or belongs to the army or 
navy. 

Gentlemen and gentlewomen do not array them- 
selves in garments that are not appropriate to the 
occasion. Thus much respect all guests at entertain- 
ments ought to pay their hostesses when an invitation 
is accepted. If appropriate toilets are beyond reach, a 
hospitality must be declined. This arbitrary law 
does not decide the quality of a fabric to be worn so 
much as its general effect, nor limit its age, so much 
as it requires it should be a formal dress. For 
example; a man must wear a dress suit at an evening 
party, or when calling and never by day, even at his 
own wedding. A frock coat, or cutaway, the former 
preferred, with light or dark trousers, is the visiting 
and afternoon or morning reception dress in good 
society. Gloves are always worn with the day cos- 
tume, but in the evening, it is a matter of personal 
taste whether or not gloves in light colors shall be 
used. In case a guest is to dance, however, the wear- 
ing of gloves is de rigueur. Neckties are matters of 
fashion rather than of etiquette, although a little white 
cambric, silk, or satin tie is never out of style and 
never of questionable taste at a party or reception, day 
or night. For daylight any tie of prevailing mode is 
appropriate, a cheerful becoming color always pre- 
ferred. 

A tall silk hat is usual, though if it is to be left in 
the hall or dressing-room, its style is of small conse- 



54 GOOD FORM. 

quence. Few men would carry a felt hat into a draw- 
ing-room, and the crush or opera hat appears to have 
had its day in good society. It was convenient in an 
orchestra stall, at an opera or theatre, but as an orna- 
ment for the hand of a man at an evening party, its 
appropriateness, and especially its beauty, has always 
been doubted, except by those who doted upon it. 
Happily such have been few. The approval of 
society is never very far away from " sweet seasona- 
bleness " and good taste, although obedience to its 
requirements is seldom absolute and is not at all 
regarded by certain rebels whom less amiable pens 
mention as " costume cranks." 

People who are always properly and tastefully 
attired, win for themselves an especial admiration that 
is not wholly unlike that which appreciators of perfec- 
tion involuntarily give to a fine musician, or to one 
who writes graceful verse. It is the harmony of 
external expression that obtains admiration. 

Evening attire for women has its full and its demi- 
toilet, the formality or informality of an invitation 
deciding, or it should decide which raiment is appro- 
priate. If there is any doubt it is because the hostess 
either desired to offer guests the liberty of choice in 
dress, or she overlooked the fact that those whom she 
addressed must necessarily judge of the dignity of the 
event by the length of time intervening between the 
issue of her cards and the evening of the party, quite 
as much as from the style of the invitation. If she did 



FORMAL AND INFORMAL ATTIRE. 55 

not consider this fact, she can blame only herself if 
her entertainment is less brilliant and beautiful in 
costumes than she hoped and expected. 

When there is a doubt regarding the ceremonious- 
ness of an entertainment, it is more prudent to select 
a pretty demi-toilet than to appear in grand attire 
and with elaborate jewels. 

Fresh flowers in discreet quantities and appropriate 
colors are always charming. With these tastefully dis- 
posed, according to prevailing modes, a gown that is 
less ceremonious and sumptuous in its texture or color 
than seems proper, is not in bad form at a party 
which was not announced by card as unmistakably 
formal or informal. [See " Good Form in Cards."] 

Elderly men and women are allowed informalities 
that would be unpardonable in younger persons. Not 
that their attire in society is permitted to be less than 
dignified in style, but a high, closely buttoned coat or 
waistcoat and a gown closed at the throat with fully 
protecting sleeves are permissible, for health's sake, 
and because the dignity of age adds beauty and ele- 
gance to appropriateness. 

Individuality in dress is not in bad form, provided it 
is individually suitable. Artistic effects are essentially 
in good form at a party, provided good taste is never 
violated. 

Gowns that are superbly beautiful and pleasure-giv- 
ing, when worn by those who are known to be rich, are 
wholly appropriate on grand occasions. The same 



$6 GOOD FORM. 

toilet upon one, the weight of whose purse is an 
unsettled matter in the minds of fellow guests, pro- 
duces a vague pain, or pity. 

A woman who overweights herself with ornamenta- 
tions, that is, one whose personality is lost beneath 
the sumptuousness of her raiment, so that only the 
impressiveness of her dress is recalled, might as well 
go into society by delegate or deputy, for all the admi- 
ration or appreciation she herself receives. 

Gloves are worn by women through all enter- 
tainments except at dinners, where they are 
taken off when seated, and drawn on again at the 
end of the dessert, or as soon as the drawing-room is 
reached. At what Theodore Hook styled "perpen- 
dicular refreshments," one glove may be removed, 
should there be foods requiring use of th§. fingers. 
This, however, is a matter of personal preference and 
not of etiquette. One woman prefers risking a spot 
on the fingers of a glove to the unpleasantness of 
removing and putting it on again. It is not yet 
a custom, but in good society women with gloves 
reaching above their elbows have been seen unclos- 
ing a few glove buttons, and drawing out a thumb 
and finger, for use at a stand-up supper, and thereby 
saving their gloves without wholly uncovering their 
arms. 

It is bad form to emphasize one's advancing age by 
an attire that is excessively or in the least needlessly 
grave, either in its form or color. Cheerfulness is 



FORMAL AND INFORMAL ATTIRE. $? 

due the young, and the absence of it in dress, simply 
because the afternoon of life is reached, is either an 
affectation or it is an evidence of morbid self-con- 
sciousness. 

Rich jewels are never worn by gentlewomen in the 
street or indeed by daylight anywhere except at wed- 
dings or formal presentations. When diamonds glit- 
ter in a street car, the beholder involuntarily wonders 
if their wearers do not belong to families in which 
there are pawnbrokers. 

It is indelicate and therefore bad form to dress with 
far greater elegance than a guest who has been invited 
to visit in the family, or to display personal belong- 
ings that compel unhappy comparisons of fortune 
between social equals. Exhibitions of costly adorn- 
ments are only permissible between persons of known 
wealth, and even then some other amusement is 
preferable. 

The truly courteous host does not forget that it is 
more gracious to accept hospitality than to bestow it, 
and that they who have the least abundance take it 
with the least pleasure, and often with the greatest 
reluctance. The recipient says in effect : 

11 1 love you well enough to be indebted to you. 
This is the highest proof at my command." 

Conventionality makes the host a servant to the 
guest, but the guest Whose circumstances permit him 
no hope of returning courtesies in kind is most sensi- 
tive, a condition of mind which the finely bred host or 



58 GOOD FORM. 

hostess is not likely to overlook either at an evening 
entertainment, or during a visit of days. Especially is 
a well bred woman careful to wear simple gowns, that 
the guest staying in her house may not be made too 
painfully aware of the in attractiveness of her own 
raiment. 

It is equally bad manners for guests to fail to make 
themselves as elegant as their resources permit, 
neither explaining nor apologizing for an unavoidable 
lack of prevailing mode in their wardrobe. To admit 
in w r ords that one is restricted by poverty is to utter a 
complaint. A pleasant spirit adorns misfortune and 
compels admiration of a character and courage that 
bravely smiles in the face of want. The dignity of 
quiet endurance throws a glamour of beauty over 
threadbare garments and conceals their ugliness. 
Poverty is a crime only when it willingly offends good 
fortune. 



SOCIAL AMBITIONS. 

A desire for position is almost universal among civ- 
ilized people, and it need not be an unworthy ambi- 
tion. Usually it is not, but the modes by which it is 
sought are too often ignoble. 

One ambition is a craving to become fit companions 
of those who have honorably distinguished themselves. 
Both men and women eagerly desire to enter this 
charmed circle without considering whether or not 
their attainments, mental, material and personal, adapt 
them to its fastidious exactions of thought, habit and 
manner. 

This class is catalogued among the "pushing." 
They usually rouse a fine scorn of their pretentious 
efforts; also a resolute determination to bar them 
out of the best society, which sentiment is certainly not 
the noblest. Considering the universal insistance of 
nature's first law — self-preservation — it is to be hoped 
that such as fail of maintaining their own ideas of 
generosity to all the world will be able to pardon 
themselves, if they keep the pushing man and woman 
down below, at the. same time that they are intriguing 

59 



60 GOOD FORM. 

to obtain higher positions, without properly cultivating 
themselves and making fitting adjustments of their 
habits to a higher social rank. 

The question that most concerns the ambitious, who 
are usually also the earnest, the sincere and the edu- 
cated, is, " Which is the highest social grade of which 
I, according to my own ideals of nobility of place and 
of refinement, am able to fill with honor and useful- 
ness ? " 

Having made a choice of purposes according to 
one's tastes, talents and circumstances, it is not good 
form to parade as one of another condition. Gen- 
uineness, representing the highest of its kind, can 
never be unrefined or ostentatious and vulgar. 

A really intellectual public and an ultra fashionable 
one are too far apart in their aims and their pleasures 
for much satisfactory interchange of sociability. Of 
course they do touch each other in a common human- 
ity, and here and there a person belongs to both 
classes. Sometimes there is a general commingling of 
courtesies, the fashionable individual feeling, though 
not mentioning the fact, his enjoyment of an implied 
compliment which he construes so that it means for 
himself, "I am also intellectual and accomplished, 
and consequently good company for the scholar. ,, 

Sometimes he is ! 

The scholar is not displeased now and then at 
being invited to be giddy and to meet society, these 
infrequent interchanges maintaining a mutual kindli- 



SOCIAL AMBITIONS. 6 1 

ness, but establishing no real enlargement of hospital- 
ity in either sphere. This separation is well for both. 
One keeps the world of industry astir, ministering to 
its wants. The other learns the secrets of the uni- 
verse and informs the fashionable world of as much of 
its mysteries as amuse him, but keeps the best for his 
own circle. 

The two circles are too far apart in the qualities of 
their social pleasures and each is too well adapted to its 
own sphere to reasonably desire to intermingle inti- 
mately. One is not above the other, unless intellectual 
gifts or attainments that are consecrated to great 
purposes, lift an individual or a set of individuals 
higher than all their kind. 

A thoughtful woman who has set a beautiful and 
influencing mark upon the century said of another 
woman who is a star in the fashionable firmament : 

" She is too far above me in fashionable matters 
and too far below me in intellectual ambitions and 
interests, humane and practical. Why should we 
waste our time, energies and sympathies upon each 
other's purposes or tastes ? We meet incidentally and 
enjoy tidings from each other's realms, during which 
times we are wholly unobservant of the fact that there 
are antagonisms in our aims." 

Life is made up of interdependencies that are most 
useful, satisfying and harmonious, when there is no 
attempt to make them " occupy the same place at the 
same time.' , 



62 GOOD FORM. 

This axiom is equally applicable to humanity in 
its social relations and positions. The robin might 
as well try to be a lark, and the goose a peacock 
as the man and woman who were born for prac- 
ticalities to be miserably ambitious to become 
social butterflies. Charming as the latter are the 
former leave marks behind them that are not writ- 
ten in sand, a privilege denied to the butterflies. 



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